 |
| Left to right: Andres, Mom, ME, Dad, and Carlos |
On May 12, 2012 my eldest brother passed away at 9:07PM MST. It was Midnight Mother's day in New York, and I remember having my phone on silent and when I awoke that day I went about preparing mother's day cards and gifts for my sis-in-law and mother-in-law and my daughter gave me her mother's day card and it warmed my heart, my beloved fiance gave me his mother's day card and made me breakfast. It started out as a wonderful morning.
 |
| Andres Fernando Hidalgo Age 2 years |
Around 10:23AM EST, my fiance tells me: 'you should call your mom and wake her up and wish her a happy mother's day'. I smiled and I thought sure I haven't woke up my parents in a while, would be funny. I grabbed my phone and when I saw that I had missed 16 calls from my father, to my brother Carlos, and the most alarming was my niece Kimberly. I looked at my fiance and I told him how many missed calls I had, he tried to reassure me that it was just my family wishing me a happy mother's day but when I saw they spread from the hours of midnight until the early hours of that very morning, I knew something was amiss. I called and when my father picked up the phone I tried to think positive when every nerve of my body was acknowledging dread, fear, and anguish. "Mija, no se como te puedo decirte esto, pero se los murio tu hermano" in translation Daughter, I don't know how to tell you this but your brother died. 'QUE!' I remember saying which means what and then the next question came but which and how? When he told me that Andres had passed away. I felt the world fall off its axis and the call was cut off after hearing my fathers frantic cries. I was crying hysterically and couldn't believe he was gone. My oldest brother, Andres, was gone.
 |
| Left to Right: Andre, ME, Carlos |
It took but moments for me to buy a one way ticket to go to Arizona from New York, I then went to the store bought clothes for the funeral and things I would need there. The hours until my flight that very night were drawn and when I arrived at the airport, I was alone distraught and lost. Overall, I was racking my brain on the last time I was with my brother. I couldn't remember try as I may, I still can't remember. When I moved back to NY the year before, I had left without saying Good-bye to a single soul in my family and drove in the 4 day trip with my fiance and 2 children. I didn't speak with my brother Carlos for a year and my brother Andre called a few months prior. He told me he loved me and I told him that I loved him, we didn't discuss why I moved but I was reassured that he loved me. It was the only thing I was holding on to, but then came the regret. How does one deal with regret while grieving your love one?
 |
Andres Fernando Hidalgo
September 18, 1973 - May 12, 2012 |
Truly, it has been the most difficult part of this journey, no pun intended, and I still don't know how to get rid of the emotion I continue to feel. I am so mad at myself for not reaching out to my brother, to getting to know my brother on a deeper level as his friends. My brother left behind his beautiful and loyal wife of 15 years and 3 gorgeous daughters from the ages of 25, 13, 4 years of age. And I am so very depressed that I cannot find the way of forgiving myself for my selfishness. My children will never know their uncle because of me. My brother will never know how much I loved him because of me. And overall, he will never see me happy as he always wanted because of ME.
There are no words that I can read, nor embraces that I can feel and grasp that is even settling this anguish I am feeling. In truth, he despair alone lets me know that I am alive, the regret lets me know the air exist, and the tears allows me to know that its real. He is gone and I don't know how to get passed this vice that is constricting my very soul. I am alive for my family but a feel that a piece of me has died too.
