Reflecting...

I may not understand a lot of things as many others but I understand my feelings. Granted I suppose being so in tune with ones fallacies pretty much makes you a spectacle in various observations; however, I find that the flaws in a person build character. I am mourning and I cry in the shadows, in the corner, under the covers, when I am in the shower, and when I am alone. I cry. The overwhelming emotions that flood my system is like oxygen in my lungs and the iron in my veins. I cry. I don't expect people to take pity upon me or offer words of encouragement for I am human. I cry. I cry when I can't find answers, when I want to give up, and when I feel I am doing a dismal job as a parent. I cry. I have my stubbed my toe to the point of tears, I have caught a cramp and buckled due to the pain, I have fought in subways and the after affect of the adrenaline leaving me sore, but never have I cried when I found out my brother had passed on.

On May 18, 2012 was my brother's memorial service he was to be cremated and his ashes would be with his beloved wife. I recall walking into the funeral home and for a brief glance I saw his profile in his casket. Lord I felt that the air left my lungs and it slapped me in the face with a powerful resonating earth shattering reality check. He was gone. He is there and I saw his profile.  Lord did I cry. I could not bare to walk any further nor did I want to remember my brother in this state. The image would surely be burned into my subconscience and I would never remember him alive. I walked briskly to the restroom and collapsed on the floor of the ladies room and cried. He was gone and I cried. The next hour was a blur of emotions and tears and hugs and comfort that people who loved us and him, try to give me felt foreign because all I wanted was his hugs and comfort. He was gone and I cried. When they announced that they wanted the immediate family and they were going to close the casket, I was rocked straight from my world being unbalance and off its axis for the past 6 days. Slowly ever so slowly I made my way toward my brother. His wife was holding him and saying her goodbye. Her tears glisten her flawless complexion and she wore the overgrown Arizona Cardinals jersey over her frame was the comfort she needed. She ran her hand through my brothers hair and kissed his forehead and she cried. The love of her life was gone and I cried. He was gone.

My beautiful niece kneeled before his casket and she gave me strength to approach beside her. I remember seeing my brothers stiff hands as his wedding band sparkled from the lights overhead. He was gone. I saw my father say his goodbye; he grabbed my brothers fedora hat that was to be with him for all eternity, placed it upon his head and he spoke - "Hey old man; I brought you to this earth and I shall see you out. I will take care of your family for they are my family. I love you my beloved son. You have made me so proud." He replaced my brothers hat and hugged him but I saw my brother stiff arms come loose from his closed hands and slid across his lap next to his hip. He was really gone and I cried. I then approached and saw my brothers face for the first time and I gasped inwardly, the make up they had on his face was evident but he didn't look like I had expected. Sure I was scared stiff of seeing him like this but as I reflect now, he looked peaceful. He looked like Andre and he was gone. "Andre I promise you that I will make you proud and I will be happy. I know you were worried about me but I promise I will be happy. I love you so much and thank you for protecting me always. Goodbye." I ran my hand through his soft dark raven hair and place a kiss on his forehead. I remember how hard and cold his forehead felt beneath my lips and it was then and there, he was gone and I just said goodbye. I cried.